Sex Spam

My school's spam control system is managed by an elite team of drunken sea monkeys. I've had probably a dozen or so email accounts in my life, and I've never seen more crap come through than on this one. I've since graduated (twice), and after 7 years and two degrees there has been no progress in the war against spammers. Not only has there been no improvment, but I am convinced that this crack squad of bloated sea mammals is slowly but surely submitting to the onslaught of spam coursing through the system. Each month, I get more and more junk in my inbox - just like your mom.

To me, the most amusing aspect of this predicament is that the emails that actually make it through are so obviously spam that I can't imagine what is being filtered out. For instance, here are two lunkers from today's haul:

Your short sword could be much longer and win you more s'e_xual battles!

Positive changes in your s'e_xual life are not a chimera

First of all, there is no way these titles could represent anything but sex spam, which brings me back to my original question: what is actually being culled from this crop? Does the email have to read "HUGE COCKS POUNDING TINY TEEN TWATS!!!!!" for the system to flag it or what? Somebody wake those sea monkeys up!

Secondly, for as big of an annoyance as these emails are, I occasionally get a kick out of their laughable attempts at English. Take the second email for example. Positive changes "are not a chimera"? Really? Phew, that's a relief. Take it from me, you certainly don't want your changes to be of the chimera variety. Keep those part-lion, part-snake, part-goat creatures to yourself. I don't know about you, but those mythical monsters of Greek lore really get me hot. If they promise me pills to make my penis grow like a hydra, I may have to open my checkbook.

In honor of these hilarious titles, I've decided to keep a running list of the best ones right here in this entry. Check back often since I get about 20 per day (insert obligatory mom joke about 20 entries a day). Your "short sword" will thank you.

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"May i ask why you're so unhappy with your dic'k?"
At least he asked politely.

"Bored housewife is on the dryer waitin for mr. big"
Mmm, nothing like cold metal and the smell of chemicals to get you in the mood.

"Make your hot gf climax by stuffing her flower with your new big shaft!"
Wait, you mean to tell me my girlfriend keeps asking me for flowers when she already has some?