USA Today = God's Newspaper

I won't lie about this. I'm a big fan of USA Today. Always have been. My friends, who evidently consider themselves too good for our country's #1 paper, insist it's not worth reading. Keep in mind, many of these people read Entertainment Weekly like a Bible. I don't understand it either. And while there's a local paper I could get instead, my community just isn't worth an hour's worth of reading per day. To me, it makes more sense to read about my country in half the time. Plus, USA Today has lots of colorful pictures. I like that. The world needs more color.

Until now, my affair with USA Today has occured in airports around the world. (And yes, I just passed up about fifty different Senator Craig jokes.) This month, however, I ordered my first-ever subscription to the paper. I got papers on Friday, Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, and life was good. I did Sudoku puzzles, crosswords, phrase games, and word searches. I checked out movie reviews. I learned everything I wanted to about what happened in the world the day before. And I read the sports lines, just in case I live in a world one day where sports gambling is legal.

But panic struck the following day. I went out to check my mail only to notice... no paper. Friday? No paper. And on Monday... nothing again. I was heartbroken. How was I suppose to assess my role in the world without USA Today's colorful depictions? How could I buy anything without its minimialist moneyline graphs? And where was I to go that weekend without consulting its Friday "Destinations" section?

Yesterday, I called customer service and reported the problem. They assured me things would return to normal. I assured them they'd better be right. I don't take any shit when it comes to my USA Today.

Today, all the missing papers as well as today's paper showed up in a plastic bag on my doorstep. Inside the bag was a business card from a special carrier. His name is Terry Christ. Christ delivered my USA Today today. I always knew there was something special about this paper. Now it's confirmed: USA Today is God's paper.

I'm holding onto this business card so I can wave it in front of the heretics who are still ordering the New York Times. You know, I never suspected that paper might *actually* be run by the Jewish-controlled media... until Christ showed up with my USA Todays. Will my new paper carrier be the cause of a personal revelation? Or will he (He?) plunge me into a spiritual crisis?

One thing is for sure: the "Life" section never felt so relevant.