Job Interviews, Part 3

A couple of days ago I had my interview with Klutz & Reamer, a full-service law firm in Salisbury, North Carolina. If you've been following this blog, you know that I applied to this group solely because I found the name hilarious and amused myself by making numerous "Reamer" jokes. Now that I've met with the firm's partners, I feel qualified to tell you what Klutz and Reamer is all about.

Salisbury, NC is a small town known for three things. One, it has a proud historic district with signs showing where many of our country's luminaries, including George Washington and Andrew Jackson, stopped by for one reason or another during the country's early days. Second, it has an IHOP where recently disgraced Speaker Jim Black got busted taking a bag full of bribe money in the bathroom. (No word yet on whether the IHOP will be incorporated as part of the historic district.) Third, it has Elizabeth Dole's home and the law firm where she started her career. This concludes your tour of Salisbury.

I was greeted at the door by a very nice elderly secretary who in turn introduced me to Richard Reamer. Richard Reamer! HIS NAME IS DICK REAMER. And he has a son named Randy Reamer! Is there any explanation why this family is in law and not porn? At any rate, Dick Reamer is a 60-ish jovial Southern gentlemen who mistrusts city boys like yours truly. We're off to a great start here, folks.

After taking a tour of the office, I sit down with the esteemed Mr. Reamer and three of his good ole' boy minions at the conference table. The first thing I notice is that I'm the only one with hair more than half an inch long. That's okay, I'm not here to judge - that's their job. The second thing I notice is that I'm the only one who doesn't speak with a hard Southern accent. I try to throw a few "y'all"s in there to make them happy, but they're not fooled. I've got Yankee all over me.

Reamer: "So... from Charlotte, huh? Big city. Real big city. You born there?"

Me: "No sir."

Reamer: "Where?"

Me: "New Jersey."

Reamer: (after a beat) "...mmmmmkaaaaaayyyyy."

We talk about the usual things: what kind of law I want to practice, where I see myself in five years, whether I'm up for a lot of courtroom litigation, etc. The consensus among the attorneys seems to be that my academic record is impressive, but that I might not happy in a town as small as Salisbury, and they don't want me burning them for some other firm in a big city like, say, Lexington or Hickory (note to my out-of-state readers: these are not big cities). Honestly, I have no problem at all with small towns. As long as they're close to big towns. And since Salisbury fit that description, I didn't have to lie about wanting to work there, which is what I do in 90% of interviews.

Partner: "So what's this... environmental stuff you did?"

Me: "I worked for a non-profit organization on various assignments to see if major industry and utility leaders were in compliance with environmental statutes.

Partner: "That sounds... you know... like tree-hugging! Is that what it was?"

Me: "...No sir, I did not hug any trees. Instead, I worked on a US Supreme Court case involving Clean Air Act violations."

Partner: "So... was this like a leftist group? Because I've gotta tell ya, this is the Republican side of the table." (At this point he motions to the side of the table where ALL of the attorneys are sitting.)

Me: "Yes sir, I gathered as much."

At some point they must have agreed that I was not, in fact, a spy for the ACLU or General Grant, because they started telling me some so-unbelievable-that-they-could-only-happen-in-a-town-like-this stories. The most incredible of these tales, I kid you not, involves one of the firm's senior partners peeping at the wife of a one-time presidential hopeful while she was undressing in her home. The partner concluded the story by waxing poetic: "Man, we were such fucking perverts." As eloquent as the Bard himself.

Reamer: "You married?"

Me: "No sir."

Reamer: "You got a... significant other?"

Me: "Yes sir."

Reamer: "...is it a male or female?"

Me: (shaking my head in equal parts shock and disgust) "She's female."

Reamer: "Good!"

Another attorney: "Don't worry son, he's been doing interviews for 30 years and he asks that question to everyone."

Honestly, I bet I could've won the job right then and there by saying that I wouldn't want to work with any fags either. Hell, they would've probably offered me the whole firm. In all seriousness though, I can't believe that this mindset can still exist in a law firm in the 21st century.

As I walked out of the office, I noticed a framed paper certifying the business as an AV-rated firm (given to "high character" partnerships), yet another ironic monument to the affectation of law. I guess some small towns will never be small enough.